Coro

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peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder?
In the troubled and perhaps unwarranted and misguided period of prohibition in the USA in the last millenium, (when incidentally the actual consumption of alcohol was not prohibited, only its production and distribution as specified in the !8th Amendment) Al Capone considered investing in milk production and distribution as more people drank it and the mark up was higher.
Reality trounces fiction
peter
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

“NOT YET Minister “
Update on the emergency meeting of Cobra (Civil Contingencies Committee), SAGE (Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies and PHE (Public Health England) November 2020, held in a bunker deep beneath the Ministry of Defence on Whitehall. ... located just behind the Admiralty building on Horse Guards Parade. Away from prying eyes. Chairperson The Minister.

This emergency meeting had been called to assess the UK position on a reliable vaccine and, inter alia, the current restrictions.

The Minister welcomed participants and reminded all of the implications of a breach of the Official Secrets Act of 1911. The minutes of the last meeting were taken as read. Probably just as well as within hours an unapproved and unedited full transcript was published in late editions of Komsomolskaya Pravda. Apparently the Ministry stenographer who was charged with making a recording is on sick leave somewhere. She claims to have changed her traditional English name on marrying an anglophile Russian Emigre from one of their notorious pogroms. This was accepted by the recently outsourced Ministry Security Vetting Authority.

The Minister expressed his alarm over a serious and lamentable breach of protocol and a subsequent lapse in restrictions covering permissible sporting events. A UK based Motor racing team member had felt unwell with an upset stomach, had flu-like symptoms but was not tested. Fever, fatigue and diarrhoea are three of the possible symptoms of Covid-19 listed on the websites of the World Health Organisation and the US government's Centre for Disease Control. Yes Minister it is true that in the past certain British drivers interpreted the then rules rather loosely and were noted for partying and bedroom antics even up to race day. They were at the top of their game whereas….Yes Minister it was abroad but no excuses. May I suggest a strongly worded letter to Mr. Ecclestone?

For noting. The Minister announced that Viscountess Bumble is to join the Trick or Trace Agency Gov/UK as a replacement for Lady A who has gone missing, who is nowhere to be found and not responding to messages. She was last seen on her monthly 2 day visit to the Agency with a bulging file of expenses. Viscountess Bumble brings her long experience of publishing women’s magazines and is a former Hon Chairperson of the Cheshire branch of the The United Daughters of the Confederacy (UDC). Her Husband, the Viscount has made a major donation to party funds from his overseas registered interests. He was at prep school with other members of the Cabinet before that unfortunate incident that required his further education under a governess in the Highlands.

Moving on.

The Minster was alarmed to see that Germany, the USA, and Russia and even the Italians had announced successful trials and accelerated the introduction of a vaccine. The WHO state that there are currently more than 100 COVID-19 vaccine candidates under development, with a number of these in the human trial phase. Where was the UK in all of this? What happened to the great white heat of British technology?

In Reply, Unfortunately Minister there has been a complication which you should be aware of. In fact a major setback. In Denmark (an active member of the EU but with its own currency) there had been an incident where the virus mutated and and leapfrogged from animals to Humans. The mutation "could pose a risk that future (coronavirus) vaccines won't work the way they should”. Stoats or weasels or Minks Minister. (weasel is weasily identified, while a stoat is stoatally different).Yes Minister, Girls get minks the way minks get minks. Very droll. This is not a time for levity. Ive no need to remind you of the civil service code in relation to scatological references. Much more importanter, No Minister, it won’t affect the stock of ermine. No Minister there is also no danger to game birds yet, although there are fewer about this time of year.

This for noting but not for minuting. As a consequence over the weekend UK animal rights activists raided 13 research establishments and liberated the entire stock of Monkeys, dogs, rabbits, rats and mice (visions of nicotine dependent beagles, mice with ears growing on their backs and monkeys with cosmetic cream bandages attached to their backsides on the loose and at large do not bear thinking about).The hard pressed constabulary have no leads. Sorry Minister, did you ask why are we testing animals and not Humans. Yes the prisons are full of undesirables. Yes Minister, in the UK it is the practice to test pharmaceutical products on animals first. It is strictly regulated. Other countries may have different approaches.

Many phials and laboratory vessels containing potential vaccines for this and other dangerous pandemics were damaged in the raids. Your department is now setting up a working party to tackle this dilemma. We have learned the lessons from the last PPE procurement fiasco, although a delivery of ventilators for one NHS region ordered earlier from the Far East arrived at Tilbury recently and turned out to be a container load of bicycle pumps.

No Minister we are not privy to the vaccine administered to Potus which prompted his rapid recovery. The US National Security agencies are presently reluctant to share any State secrets with the UK. Apparently a disagreement over Brexit or something. Things could get better in January. Or not.

If I may introduce a note of caution Minister. These are still trials. There are rumours circulating about the effectiveness of these vaccines. There are unsubstantiated reports from Russia of disagreeable side effects, including persistent flatulence and permeant erections in males, and a deepening of voice, lexcessive body hair and increased peau d’orange (cellulite) in females. No change there then.

The newspaper Argumenty i Fakty, owned by the Government of Moscow, reports a 95% success rate within weeks of developing a vaccine (but 5% 0f 140 million population would still pose a challenge).

Minister, We are not sure what effect these foreign vaccines will have on our vulnerable and elderly, the poor, the Scots, and illegal immigrants. We should avoid the possibility of the cure being worse than the affliction.

What if the vaccines don’t work? Yes Minister, you can assure your maternal grandmother that a sharp frost or prolonged cold spell will not kill off the virus, and in the past many pensioners fared for the worse. Although as an unlikely replacement for a vaccine we have nevertheless sent her recommended recipe for chicken soup to Porton Down for analysis. As the Scientists there are working from home there may be some delay in the results.

If the vaccines prove effective, who should be the first in the queue in a projected rollout? (after, in descending order, HMG, the Politicians, the Civil Service, The Royal family, Clergy, the armed forces, the Police, Teachers, Traffic wardens, Councillors and Local Authority employees, Publicans , University lecturers, and oh yes the NHS). Regrettably there is no priority placing for Trade Union leaders, Captains of Industry, journalists ,HMRC tax officials and financial analysts. They will have to take their chance with the ordinary people. If you are draining the swamp Minister you don’t consult the frogs and reptiles. Thereafter we may need to hold a ballot of some sort or hand it over to the National Lottery dependent on how many vaccines can be secured. We should not rule out the potential for a sale or auction in the event of severe shortages. More constructive thinking required here. Perhaps a Royal Commission. Yes Minister, the latter has long association with kicking contentious subjects into the long grass, some seemingly permanently.

We have not contacted or entered into consultation with all the major religious authorities for their views as they all without exception seem to be preoccupied with other pressing current and historical non related investigations.

Agenda Item 2. Restrictions. You may have noticed Minister, some degree of dissatisfaction in the Media regarding the level and extent of the restrictions placed upon the populace in varying parts of the Union. Echoes of vox Populi vox Dei (lawd preserve us from classical scholars). Should the people not be allowed to decide for and police any deemed restrictions themselves? At this point the Minister blanched and a nurse rushed in with a glass of water and several coloured pills. On recovering his composure he launched into a rambling diatribe on democracy, delegated authority and the duties and obligations of elected representatives. The gist being that many of the electorate were incapable of assessing the implications of their own actions which is why they voted in the first place. (don’t minute this).

The official Whitehall view is that the real miscreant is the media. It is not beyond the wit of these pinko journos to concocti spurious stories fomenting imaginary and real dissent. Added to which many housewives in that mothery nesty internet thingy are claiming that the lockdown has transformed the Galahads they married into pungent, louche couch potatoes, whose idea of home schooling is X boxes and the CBeebies channels. Even dogs shy at the prospect of walks.

Matters have not been helped by the endless and changing sound bite phrases parroted by Ministers in the press briefings. There was never a need for these. To avoid confusion, my department produced a 300 page 6 inch thick explanatory booklet covering all aspects of what is and what is not permissible, and how the restrictions apply in every conceivable context.

Agenda item 3. Economic cost.

A major concern is the financial profligacy of the current Administration. A prolonged pandemic will have dire consequences for the UK economy, possibly for decades. We would lose our standing on the world stage if we allow ourselves to be to be categorised amongst the serial bankrupt economies such as Greece, Italy et al (note that the inhabitants of these lands have cash and savings, its just their Governments that not have any and live from hand to mouth by resorting to borrowing at penal rates). One recent Treasury internal document implied the latest lockdown might save 10000 lives. With the average age of a Covid-19 victim 82, and the life expectancy for a typical 82-year-old nine years, this equates to 90k years of life saved. At the usual maximum price paid by DH for a year of life — £30,000 — this amounts to a benefit of £270,000 per saved life and a total benefit of up to £3 billion. Set against this are the costs of lockdown, which is estimates at up to £10 billion in lost GDP. Without further amendments, the policy would fail the net benefit test, and has done so from the very beginning. Other benefits of lockdown, when translated into economic terms — including a lower trajectory of infections and less burnout among NHS staff — fail to outweigh the damage caused. instead of paying furlough why not divert the money to increase capacity in the NHS and Social care to cope and get the productive buggers back to work. The Minister whose eyes lo appeared to glaze over in the midst of the calculations promised to take this up with his colleagues but as many of the econometricians and statisticians are working from home he may not be able to respond before the next meeting

At this point the Minister suggested a break for Lunch and offered a tour of the extensive underground facilities including the desk favoured by Winston. Such facilities might need to be restaffed if the crisis deepens.

His concluding and eventual parting address referred to tenets such as probity, honesty, integrity. How often have we railed at the weasel words from the PR consultants or faceless and spineless management, or party hacks, effortlessly demeaning or sidestepping the implications of a manifest miscarriage of justice, a substantial cock-up, a deliberate malfeasance, or a major failure up to and including obvious incompetence. Ultimately, and after acres of denial and obfuscation, and only seemingly as a last resort, they reluctantly concede and parrot that there are lessons to be learnt and they will put in place procedures and strict protocols to be implemented that events such as these could never happen again? Not for him he resolved.
Horlicks anyone?

Do you think Minister we should flash these contemporaneous note, jottings or minutes over to the Government Lawyers? Or have we outsourced that too?

ps

I think I covered most bases.
Are we allowed to switch partners between waves? Even after it all ends I still want many people to stay away. Lastly can anyone remember just how much vodka you put in the scrambled eggs?
pps
We are tracking a replacement rear axle and suspension parts for the pretty red car
peter
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TonyLees
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Re: Coro

Post by TonyLees »

peter rafter wrote: Thu Nov 12, 2020 11:19 pm pps
We are tracking a replacement rear axle and suspension parts for the pretty red car
Shame on you for wearing it out.
[-X
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

No, but, yes, but No but yes Minister. Mainly No.
Jottings from the Permanent Secretary.
Minister, your laptop is pointing at the ceiling. Now you are peering too close at the screen and it is set too low. We have tunnel vision up your nostrils. The microphone is not enabled. Click on the icon in the top left of the screen. Icon. That thingy ( somebody explain).You appear to be sweating Minister. Is the central heating too high?. Was that a cough or were you clearing your throat? No minister, that red light is warning of a low battery. Everybody take a comfort break while we replace the Ministers laptop.

Everyone should have read the civil service guide to these digital meetings. Remove from your bookshelves copies of Mein Kampf, biographies of Arafat and Marx, history of the 1916 Uprising, Stalingrad and that author subject to a Jihad whose name escapes me. A row of Encyclopedia Britannica or Oenophilia are fine. Similarly remove photographs of yourselves with the Royal Family or prominent Celebrities. Turn off the wireless or background music. Is that Nimrod playing? (no it can’t be workers playtime). No toys.Is that a Mekon figure behind you Minister? That poppy you are wearing is the very same that your secretary gave you some years past.

To all, check with your Internet provider (yes they are extremely busy but your call is important to them and an advisor will be with you shortly). Remember to close the door to exclude straying servants, cleaning ladies, children and pets. Give everyone space to give their view without interruption. No barracking and animal noises, this isn't The House.The new Ministry stenographer will make an official record (the predecessor is awaiting detention at her majesty’s pleasure, but hopefully not where George Blake was incarcerated).

On resumption, No Minister, Peter Ustinov was not knighted foe winning the Gibraltar grand prix.No he was not Swiss, he was born in Swiss Cottage. Nor was Lord March enabled for services to Motorsport. He inherited a huge pile, Goodwood. Yes near the racecourse. No it is not where the Grand Prix is held.

Yes Minister It is a German Team but it is based in Britain. Unfortunately the drivers are not.

Yes he will more than probably be a candidate for that Sports Personality of the year. Isn’t that honour enough? Was he perchance a former resident of your constituency? Yes Minister in the past honours have been awarded to recognise merit in terms of achievement. One can go back as far as Seagrave, Geoff Duke, and even B.Sheene. Yes, we already have a Knight Batchelor driver, but he is Scottish (the name is a clue Minister, No its not Stirling). Yes It could be said the sporting section of the Honours Committee at the Cabinet Office was remiss in not fully recognising the achievements of John Surtees and indeed Mike Hawthorn (who was born in South Yorkshire). Digressing, there is inevitably a hall of shame, (Dis Sir pearing) that banker fellow and that retail chap, and the spy Blunt, although he went to Cambridge.

There are many hurdles to a Knighthood. A high profile sponsor can help. No Minister, Mr. Mosley would not do following his High Court case. One issue is that F! motor racing has attracted a soporific cachet unlike Cricket, Football and Tennis and is not considered as close to the hearts of the Nation.

Yes, he has accumulated considerable wealth and in the past a surreptitious bung, sorry donation, in the right quarters would have smoothed the path, Has he finally finished his career? The Committee tend to look askance at any past incidences of opposition to Govt policies, or association with populist movements such as. Anti Semitism, Slavery, Racism and Human Rights. Oh dear!

A barb often aimed at Civil servants is that he is only doing his job for which he is amply rewarded. Is he a UK resident for tax purposes? I would counsel against a petition as this would breach the social distancing guide lines.

Additionally, there is the latest woke (pluperfect tense of wake?) campaign against The Most Excellent Order of the British Empire. It is the term “Empire” bit that rankles with these new found Liberalists and snowflakes who cite all manner of puerile and absurd irrelevancies going back hundreds of years. However, it has been deemed appropriate to undertake a review of the nomenclature which will also examine verses and phrases in Rule Britannia, Land of Hope and Glory, and Jerusalem.

Yes Minister merit in Whitehall is acknowledged in The Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, No minister it wasn’t Michael Bentine nor Spike Milligan who coined that old chestnut (CMG stands for Call Me God, KCMG for Kindly Call Me God.and GCMG stand for God Calls Me God).

Do you think Minister we could address the pressing issue of the day, namely the Virus.

Firstly The Speaker has advised that all Ministers and MPs should review their entries in the House Register of Interests. Any link however remote to Big Pharma, the industry, Companies, Research Institutes, ThinkTanks should be fully declared including any remuneration received whether properly earned or not. Spurious questions in the House will incur the opprobrium of Downing Street.

The latest slides and statistics imply that the worst affected i.e. the highest rate of infection are in the deprived areas of the UK, defined as anywhere outside the M25 ring. Socio economic exclusivity— researchers have shown a correlation with unemployment, poverty, lack of education, obesity, alcoholism, dependence on benefits, single parents, ingrained crime and drug culture, poor housing and manifest objection to or defiance of the current guidelines. Would you stay at home in these circumstances? It has been suggested, and it is only a suggestion, that they should be in the front rank for the vaccine roll out whenever it is available. Possibly commencing with the WestCountry. My department has ordered (from abroad but not China) sufficient supplies of the competing vaccines. There should be enough doses to go round. One problem is that there may not be enough qualified medical personnel to administer the vaccine. A contingency backup plan is to resort to training up the Armed Forces, the probation service and also remand prisoners ( the latter probably already experienced in injections). We continue to monitor the situation.

The cost of the vaccine, Minister? Can I revert to you when I have all the relevant data. Moonshot? Nasa? it is too early to say what impact the new appointee has made. Well, my strong advice is to avoid reference to earlier probably less successful initiatives (work in progress) and focus instead on the latest programs, the introduction of a vaccine which will hopefully overtake and dominate events. Objectivity and diligence should overcome creativity.

It is not always wise to attack or blame the media. Generally they target Govt policy and the Offices of State rather than the incumbents. There are exceptions which revolve around incompetence etc. At present they are helpfully pursuing a “Reverse Goebels” strategy I.e. over emphasising the severity of the situation viz Dire, Dire, and yet more dire, could only and probably will get worse. The opposite of morale boosting propaganda to the effect that further improvements would have a decisive impact on the outcome of total war on the virus. Now do you see it Minister? Come December, the end of the current National lockdown, there will be good news, and even triumphs to be acclaimed.Coincidently, December, Advent, the portent of momentous good news to come, a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration. There will be primacy and honour for the selected representative to be the plenipotentiary invested with the full power of independent action on behalf of the government. We will be right behind you Minister.

However, beware of being tagged by the the media as Cassandra. She, a daughter of Priam, received from Apollo the gift of prophecy, but rejected his suit of love. Apollo, unable to recall his rash gift, annexed it with the penalty that though she should always prophesy true, she should never be believed.

Speaking of good news, I can report that the majority of the liberated/escaped animals from our secret research establishments returned at feeding time.

As to Advent, the Established Churches have have convened Synods, excluding the laity and restricted to Bishops only. The Church only exits to pass on Gods love.The Synods will discuss reopening of selected places of worship, contingent on the effective installation of credit card readers. Do they still pass the offertory plate amongst the embarrassed and diminished congregation? Or is it just a relic of former times like the playing of the national anthem to delay the mass exodus from the cinema.

Did you say spads minister? The correct term is SpAds, political appointees hired to support ministers. They give party political advice and support in avoiding pitfalls that would be inappropriate for the civil service to provide, (that last bit needs editing). There are over one hundred which is minuscule in comparison with the 400 thousand strong dedicated and highly motivated civil servants. Pay for SpAds is outwith the normal grades, but apparently reflects obscure private sector market rates and appears to be set primarily by themselves, as indeed are the hours of work. There have been a few highly controversial appointments and recent changes/exits may dim the spotlight.

If it any consolation, the situation in the USA is much worse. Aside from the presidential shenanigans, he now wants to bomb Iran to leave a working legacy for the next president. One would not countenance such actions here in the UK. Meanwhile, t he virus tsunami continues. Progress in containment is similar to the Argentinian Tango.. one step forwards. two to the side, a stepover,(without the flash of thighs clad in net stockings) and three steps backwards. The drug will be free. The majority may choose other remedies.

Break for Lunch
Ps
you can’t tickle yourself . It is not a recognised virus symptom.
peter
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

A journalist has been masquerading as a pr/communications expert and has been unofficially attending the interdepartmental meetings. Here he is reporting to the sub editor on the news desk of The Bugle.

The Minister is in the Highlands stalking. Not isolating. Stalking. Yes Stalking and not that kind. Apparently it involves lying buried deep in the heather with a Ghillie waiting for some random stag to wander by. No not in a kilt, think of midges and a sodden peat bog. There are tweed trews with extra pockets for hip flasks. Its best done in a blanket mist or fog then they can blame the weather if nothing happens. No, stags don’t attack crofters. However, beware, Nemenis, diviner of retribution and retribution rides upon a stag (Francis Bacon). Anyway an ex beater (don’t go there) was reminiscing over an old Ministry film namely the 1936 GPO Film Unit feature on postal delivery by train between England and Scotland. “Night Mail”. Plain evocative simple words by Auden perfectly matched to a rhythmic memorable score by Britten. Well the Minister had a brainwave. His idea is to produce a similar promotional film for the NHS. Not Ayres, more Betjeman, not Taverner, more Lloyd Weber, and the BBC outside broadcasting unit. He wants to call it “Night Nurse”.

Naturally they also want a motorsport version. Perhaps Spielberg could direct. It would be more hip hoppity, a haunting driving score , May or Clapton, with a driver rapping to the beat “ he’ am the bestest of the greatest, he’s the fastest, he leaves us flabbergasted, dissing the uvver bruvvers, and so on, It doesn’t have to rhyme. If not, perhaps one or all of those ex top gear wallahs doing the voice over in hushed reverential tones. The department think they could get funding from that ex Science Minister who raced at Le Mans and that ex secretary of State who has been spotted driving a Morgan. If they post it on U Tube it could go viral! Whoops!

The latest hush hush item is that a former Minister has secured (for a fee naturally), an introduction with an Azerbaijany fertiliser company who have fast tracked the development of the vaccine vaccine given orally as a tablet. A pill. Gosh. Think of the advantages. It could be dispensed by the local chemist and off licences. It is s not so daft as it sounds, there is another oral vaccine already in existence - oral polio vaccine - but that needs to be stored in a freezer. You should be aware that it had previously been thought it was likely to take several years before such a vaccine could be tested in people and especially treating the ensuing scrofula. Hence the very hush hush. In awarding a contract they may have bypassed some regulations regarding tenders from the public sector which are valued above a certain financial threshold according to EU legislation. But we will have left the EU by the time they find out won’t we and there is no venality involved?

Anyway the view in the Ministry is that the race to front up the vaccine rollout is it a poisoned chalice. They think stem cell research is a banker and much more importanter. What if the virus mutates again? There have been too many antimicrobial resistant infections. Moreover, do they have we the resource to effectively deploy the vaccine in a structured way? A pill suddenly looks attractive. But it is ver hush hush.

Speaking to those in the know, I.e. the Ministry drivers , as a result of a new recruitment drive they are quietly dropping or downplaying the transgender issue, the drivers that is not the Ministry.

No he has yet to pay his secretary for the poppy (see previous posting).

Sub editors response:
Call this news? Which idiot hired you?You can forget expenses against this rubbish. Its hardly Washington Post Gold nor Pulitzer. It wouldn’t even make Janet and John. You are plainly no Mencken, Levin or even Paxman. Get back out there and give me something worthwhile or you will be back writing obituaries for nonentities. Create something. Honesty is an overrated virtue. Use the well worn route “ sources close to” “Research or a study shows” Now Foxtrot Oscar.

Journalist in his cups. The definition of bullying adopted by the civil service code defines bullying as intimidating or insulting behaviour that makes an individual feel uncomfortable, frightened, less respected or put down,” They should try being a journalist working for the Bugle.
peter
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Bob Bull
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Re: Coro

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Apropos A suitable honour for Carl Lewisham, as hinted at in a previous diatribe from Oop Norf. 'Sources close to all concerned' suggest that Herr Foxx, is recommending the shady gentleman be awarded a Ferrous Cruxiform in recognition of his services to the Fadder Land. These 'services' consist of boosting the sale of Germanic cars, thus increasing the country's Trade Surplus with Das Englanders, Herr Lewisham has, by achieving a record number of coasting to victory performances in a Murkyedes formulaic winning car, been rewarded so handsomely in Eurodosh, that he is able to be resident in any number of foreign climes by virtue of being a property owner in said dominions. As a 'genuine personality' is not a requirement for winning a 'Personality of the Year' competition, a lack of such should not dissuade any potential voter from casting his ballot for or to consider withholding support from any contestant on that or any other grounds. Neither race (Grand Prix), or colour (of car) should be of influence in deciding on a chosen candidate. Sadly in this Year of Covid Restrictions' the number of Personalities available to vote for is severely limited, and the cyclist who won the Vuelta Espana is somewhat handicapped by his name, Teo Geohegan-Harte. It is hard to envisage the masses casting a vote for such a posh sounding bloke,
A shoe-in for Carl, I fear.
Ace Photograp…… you know!
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peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

Another meeting of journalist and sub editor.
The Minister is now isolating. It can’t be too difficult for the tracing Tsarin. It is either the Ghillie or the stag. He initially declared he would isolate in the Highlands until after hogmanay. That is before he got wind of a cabinet reshuffle and so he is hot footing back to Westminster. No, he didn’t say whether he had any symptoms. He is angling for moving up the clear pecking order of Ministers.(although his ambition might stretch to the 2 top Secretary of State positions). However the rumour mill says that the reshuffle will include a fresh draft of women Ministers. And many of them. So his best chance would be to self identify as a Woman. That should tick the transgender box.

He has heard of an impending defence spending review which may favour the Royal Navy. Just as well as they have twice as many Admirals as serviceable capital ships.

Failing that, he wanted to know if the Transport Minister gets to travel to all the F1 Venues worldwide (all expenses paid?), and if not, would that change should someone, no one in particular, be given a Peerage or even a Baronetcy (subject to the Standards Committee not finding anything untoward). Furthermore, as Vietnam has withdrawn from the calendar there is an offer from Lagos where an ex Govt employee has substantial surplus oil revenues that need urgently to be invested and is interested in hosting a motor event. All that is required is that Mr. Eccleston furnishes Lagos with his bank account details, password and pin numbers.

There was a telephone conference arranged involving the Minister, his top officials, various SpAds etc,. The usual disaster, with further breaches of discipline. Two participants were clearly driving, one sounded as if he was in the bathroom, and a third was accompanied by his parrot or mynah bird (pieces of eight and profanities). As some
salvation, I caught faint strains of a sublime rendition of “with drooping wings” (Purcell).

The Minister who has plainly not mastered modern technology logged in and out many times. The connection kept failing. At the beginning we were mystified to hear his PPS rabbiting on explaining the “tier” system to him and using the analogy of the Roman Trireme, 3 layers of slaves, instrumental in the decisive naval engagement at Actium between the fleet of Octavian (later known as Augustus ) and the combined forces of Mark Antony and Queen Cleopatra of Egypt. At first we heard what appeared to be shots in the background (do they shoot stags? the animal rights lobby will be all over this) which the Minister explained that he was at a staged re-enactment of the Highland Clearances and this was the perfidious English slaughtering, evicting and destroying the Clan system. (muffled cheers, a discordant note).

More interesting, is that there was circulating widely in Whitehall a doctored video of the Ministers head transposed onto a naked gymnast performing on the trapeze and the parallel bars. The Met have been engaged. Good luck with that one.

All is not well with the Azerbaijan vaccine pill development The first batch were contaminated with effluent water from an adjacent power station and had triggered the geiger counter sensors in the factory. The pills also looked too large to swallow and glowed in the dark. Still, it is early days.
What of Gene manipulation? Should we borrow either the eye or the tooth of the Greae? Or both?

On the other hand the Great British vaccine, or to be pedantic, English, has been announced as a vaccine for the world. Tdaar! Take that you foreigners. Bugger the world, think of Yorkshire. All that remains is to see which Regulatory Authority blinks first.

Michaelmas term. The Church liturgical calendar drives inexorably to the primacy of Advent. Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar, these are troubled times. The Bishops (clad in sumptuous robes) need to preserve the sanctity of its holy churches. You and all others may not enter. (You can go to the shops or the pub instead).

Sub editors comments.
Not another batch of bollocks. You can read most of this in that free newspaper littering the bus and tube stations. Where is the news in this ? Your job is to provide the news item. The carickaturist will create a cartoon, the Editor will pontificate on matters of the moment. Get the F (foxtrot Oscar) out of here. The rest of his comments with expletives deleted comprise of………… Lastly get a copy of the video. What is the soundtrack?
ps
Westminster Bugle Note to internal legal Counsel.
The Bugle In its eternal search for the truth cannot and has never condoned misrepresentation or reporting under false pretences. On occasions certain freelance journalists offer unsubstantiated and un corroborative material which in exceptional circumstances slip by our strict vetting procedures. Could this be be he basis of a defence in an employment tribunal?
peter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

One of the Mercedes drivers has tested positive and is unable to drive this weekend on the new circuit configuration in Bahrain. Do you think I should text Toto with my availability? If it helps I can do English with a German accent , also Austrian, but an octave higher. Yes its short notice but think of the sunshine and the top up of vitamin D. A source close to the team has been told he caught the virus from the electronic buttons on his steering wheel (shades of can you catch VD from the lavatory seat?)

Meanwhile our SpAd PR/Communications expert (journalist incognito) is briefing the Westminster Bugle sub editor on the momentous events of the past week, i.e None.

However, The Minister was quite taken with the Trireme analogy for the Tiers. Ideally, the bottom tier, dank, dark, replete with all the I’ordure from above would comprise the Northerners, Scotland and Wales. The middle tier the Garden of England and the West Country. The upper tier Londinium, Oxonia and Durolipons. However, if the Trireme sinks, All drown. Quite apt really.

The Minister is isolating, not in his constituency pad but his Chelsea town house. Apparently, while using the gift of Prometheus in the garden to dispose of old bank statements and incriminating(?) invoices he singed his eyelashes, eyebrows, his widow’s peak and melted his poppy.

He is fretting because he is lined up for a slot on the radio 4 Today program to discuss his ideas to break the Brexit deadlock, (which idiot proposed him? Couldn’t they get Welby?) How does one deal with a rottweiler of an interviewer continually interrupting. Answer: Plough on regardless. He is looking for a catchy soundbite (either Be Told! or Just do it!) note the use of the imperative. Pob lwc. His ideas? Trade and Fishing. One is to build a bridge between Cumbria and Belfast via the Isle of Man. So if there are complications over customs paperwork the lorries could be stacked on the Isle of Man. Another purler is offering his experience from fly fishing gleaned on his family beat on the Spey to bash the Frogs over rights in the Channel. Heaven help us.

Not a word from him on the state of the NHS Hospitals and their impact on the regional tier allocation, or the effect on acute surgery lists. He wanted to know why some people are in care Homes.

The new Minister cannot come soon enough, although only speculating, “She “ is of the “we are wimmin, we get things done” brigade. Cross fingers but it could be the one who Fs and Blinds and expects action and results. This could be a problem for many precious members of the department.

Inspector Useless of the Yard had deduced that the rogue video of the current Minister as a naked gymnast was the work of hackers from Russia or N. Korea or China or somewhere else. We suspect the strange nerdy type in the post room who helped us plot our way through the latest IT upgrade. He has a brother who is rumoured to be the only one not working from home at the Ministry of Defence. Strange that.

Anyway, a new clip has surfaced of the current Minister and an assistant both naked also engaging in gymnastics in a suite at the Goring Hotel. This is graded PG !8+. This looks like either promotion or curtains for him (perhaps he should have drawn the curtains in the suite).

Chief superintendent Totally Useless of the Met is deeply worried over the rise and extent of crime and what to do about it? He rues the day that the introduction of the speaking clock “robbed” the police of one of their main functions.

Ah the vaccine. Well the pill has been reduced to the approximate size of a large gobstopper but it still glows a fluorescent greenish yellow in the dark. They are working on it but the factory might need a subvention from the Cross Rail emergency fund. The Americans are challenging the results of the British vaccine for the World. Jealousy no doubt. You’d think they have enough on their plate evicting you know who.

The question remains “is the vaccine preventing infection?” And reinfection? Is it preventing serious illness in people who get infected? Is It able to prevent nasal carriage of the virus in people who are immunised? Yes that’s more than one question. it is a mark of the conspiracy theorist to seize on small, often technical, inconsistencies. The BBC are greatly concerned as they are relying on the over 75s licence fee to boost Lineker and Murray Walkers’ retainer.

The tracing Tsarin was last seen stalking a large 18 point stag, testing kit to hand. She proposes the introduction of a mandatory vaccine identity card which could also incorporate driving licence and passport details. Police state? Many of you may have missed that if your licence expired between 1 February and 31 December 2020 the driving licence or entitlement to drive in the UK was automatically extended for 11 months. It must be renewed before driving abroad, even if the licence or entitlement to drive in the UK has been automatically extended.

The Church is praying for us. Thats a relief..Some places of worship will be opened to those registered to the C of E credit card (sadly no discounts in Purgatory). Inside there will be a televised recording of the Bishops expounding on Honour, Duty and Obedience. Social distancing must be observed (not much of a problem given the size of congregations). So you can love thy neighbour as long as he is 2 metres away. However, singing of hymns and carols will be banned (spray danger?). But not sermons. At this rate we will end with a new Act of Six Articles "An Act Abolishing Diversity in Opinions”, (Henry the Eighth.)

Concert Halls and Theatres may open. Or not. If so In both there will be an initial compulsory 5 minute period of orchestrated coughing by the audience. Thereafter no further coughing or throat clearing is allowed during pianissississimo music or prolonged soliloquy’s.

The bring back hanging campaign and Judges have been unusually quiet of late.

Jeremy Corbyn, Unite, Militant, and the Socialist Workers P arty (Islington and Camden Town branches) have issued a joint 2 page statement/Apology. This has spawned a new game for Journalists similar to find Wally, only its find the word “sorry”.

Ps
Yes you can. It depends on who you are siting on the lavatory with.
peter
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Bob Bull
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Re: Coro

Post by Bob Bull »

When can we expect the TV series, Peter?
Ace Photograp…… you know!
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Mary Lindsay
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Re: Coro

Post by Mary Lindsay »

Peter's utterances are worthy of a book! :wink:
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