brakehorsepower.net

Before the prevoius two subjects descend into sleaze, I am launching a new topic for posters to get their teeth into, (sorry Jack I know this rules you out)

Tell us about your New Years Resolutions and ambitions for 2012, presumably Tim will be anxious to defend his title, Mary to eventually work out what screw goes where, Leigh to find space to hang his picture, and Mark to find his way to the Leathern Bottle and home again. Jim M, will obviously hope to continue flogging off the family silver, while Techniques will be desperately seeking a 'Celebrity' to present their silverware in August, and John Clarke to further advance his reputation as a dealer in second hand auto parts.

Any more you can share with us?

silvers all gone now, but I have a nice VW Beetle if your interested!

Come on Bob – what’s yours (besides scrounging the best hospitality at Silverstone) ?

Leigh Sebba wrote:Come on Bob – what’s yours (besides scrounging the best hospitality at Silverstone) ?

That is a good question Leigh, I have to admit that due to so many previous failures I tend not to make 'good intentions' anymore, I will, however, endeavour to improve my photographic efforts, and capture more 'real life' shots. (beware!).

I will, also continue my campaign to raise the level of contibution to BHP, leading by example naturally.

It has been suggested that I could possibly contribute to the Miscellany magazine on subjects of a non-Morgan nature, and I will give this serious consideration.

Probably making an effort to see more Morgan challenge events might be a worthwhile task for 2012.

Things I will try to avoid are; causing offence to any of the fair sex on this site, purchasing anything offered for sale on the site by certain people, and flaunting my fame as an International Journo of great repute so as to give rise to sneering remarks from jealous, and lesser mortals.

I hope this may give a guide to other members seeking to advance their wealth and fame in Morgan circles.

Mr Nice Guy.

Oh! I nearly forgot!

I will also work hard for World Peace!

I will be working hard to beat Jim in Class E

The following is not really anything to do with New Year's resolutions but it is a distraction.
I have borrowed it from another forum:

Translations of some popular engineering instructions:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
__________________

I am sure that many of us will recognise that scenario, Mary;

May I proffer this advice to friends on BHP;

When faced with any task, from erecting a fold flat cardboard box to buiding your own F16 Jet Fighter, the following applies;

If you have to read the instructions first, the job is way beyond your pay scale, to proceed is madness.

Return the item and get your money back, or store on a shelf at the back of the garage.

With this philosophy peace and harmony will prevail.

Happy New Year,

Bob.

john bevan wrote:I will be working hard to beat Jim in Class E

You won't need to try too hard unless I get an engine soon!

Sorry, dunno how to put the "Mary wrote...." quote thing in!

Anyway I've spent the last hour going round my garage looking for the hidden camera which is directly linked to the internet, I think over the past week Haynes has led me to every action stated on Mary's list.

I'm just hoping that re-assembly is simply the reverse of dis-assembly (just about every other paragraph in the Haynes manual says so) - I've an awful lot of (quietly) MGB smeared around the garage at the moment which needs to go back together at some point.

Happy New Year to all!

Sean

2012 Year of Austerity

Hi Bob

Happy and prosperous year to you and anyone else for that matter!

I'm still looking for a basket case Bob, so if you hear of anything, do drop me a line.

Cheers

Robin. (Singleton)

Robin Singleton wrote:Happy and prosperous year to you and anyone else for that matter!

And the same to you Robin, with knobs on!

If 2012 is to be an Annus Austeritus, why are you still looking for a basket case? Notoriously such items are more expensive than nipping down to the factory and snapping up a brand new model. Still IF I should stumble across am ex-Le Mans Plus 2.5 in need of some renovation going for a song I will let you know.
In the meantime I do hope that we make make each others acquaintance in this year of 2012.

Cheers,

Bob.

Robin, if anyone turns up at the Leathern Bottle in a Morgan on Saturday, I may be able to get you a basket case on the cheap, I am notoriously poor at parking.