Coro

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peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

For clarity, I needs must explain that my earlier reference to BoJo and cojones was not intended in anyway to imply that in his meeting In Brussels with Ursula he should actually show her his cojones. Only that it should be clear from his negotiating stance that he has said articles and that the UK has left the EU in order to be able to exercise democratic control, and that he is not be prepared to sign any agreement that bound the UK into future EU rules other than those in the Exit Agreement. (does that make things any clearer?) There are just limits beyond which no sensible, independent government or country could go and people have got to understand that. By this he means you lot over the Channel.

Ps
I was for remaining
peter
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

Jottings from the Journalist's notepad.

Due to his entirely unexpected changed domestic circumstances the Minister is forced to dine at his club which is not noted for its cuisine, but the poulet de bresse, venison, seasonal game, and the spotted dick and custard are passably standard fare. Plus they have a fine cellar.

His current wife was spotted returning to Chelsea but only to retrieve the Labrador, 2 siamese cats and her copy of Anne Boleyn’s book of hours.

The Minister, wisely, has decided to keep a low profile and is not taking calls from his constituency. By way of escape he proposes to fly out to Abu Dhabi for the weekend motor race and where he hopes to host a forum on human rights in the Middle East and the role of Women in their society. He is much pleased with himself as he thinks this covers 2 potential future portfolios, namely Transport and Foreign policy.

It has been suggested that from there he flies direct to Tehran , Ashgabat and then to Pyongyang to sound out the prospect of any post Brexit trade deals. Sanctus, Minister? You mean sanctions, yes we will deal with those if, I mean when, you are allowed back.

Amidst the triumphalism of the introduction of the Vaccine the Chief Scientist warned that no vaccine is 'safe' and no drug is 'safe'. Every effective medicine has unwanted effects""What is meant by safe is the balance of unwanted effects compared with the benefit is very clearly in favour of the benefit.” The trials generated the expected range of side effects, allergies, muscle pain but quite disquieting, impotence. At which point the Minister ordered extra doses to be shipped to Scotland.(some in the Department think the Minister should be first in line)

The Oxford vaccine is based on a chimpanzee adenovirus, that carries genetic material into cells. The Pfizer-Biontech vaccine uses mRNA to interfere with their signals. Both vaccines target the same “spike” protein on the coronavirus but they do so in different ways with the Oxford vaccine producing more T-cells — a different arm of immunity from antibodies. Antibodies block the uptake of viruses into cells and the cellular T-cells identify those cells that have been infected and take them out. You ideally want to have both. The Minister is baffled, finds all this technical jargon confusing and simply wonders why the vaccine doesn’t just bash the virus on the head, bifbof!, just like nanny used to with wasps in the nursery. The Minister also said that if Snowdonia wasn’t big enough to bury the virus, then what about under the Brecon Beacons. It seems heartless to dissuade him that there is no requirement in law that you have to bury the actual virus.

The Minister is also seeking an urgent audience at No 11 to plead against any reduction in the overseas Aid budget on behalf of a newly arrived constituent from Beijing. Apparently the Chinese are dependent on the UK aid to maintain all those holiday and respite camps they have set up for the Uihgurs and Tibetan in their remote provinces.

On the Brexit front Old Bojo is going to find it hard to waffle his way through all the last minute red lines being set by Angela and Emmanuel. Which ones to repudiate, which to concede and which to ignore and hope they go away. The latest sexy phrase is “non-regression” — which is common in most trade treaties, which means you maintain the standards at the point of entry — they actually wanted an arrangement that meant if the EU adopted new laws, that the UK would have to [follow them] or the EU would retaliate.” Good Luck .Not forgetting it has to be ratified by all member states. Hello Hungary.

The Minister is also hoping on his return for an invite to Desert Island Discs (Wheels on the bus go round and round?). I hate to think of his favourite book if indeed he has ever read one, although he could let nanny choose.

The Police Federation and the Fire Brigade Union are pressing for the right of their members to work from Home! What next postmen?

Assistant Commissioner “fit ‘em up” of the Yard has a new take on that video, yes the one of the naked gymnast. It could indeed be genuine. A kennel maid at his local Hunt recognised his wobbly bits and one of his estranged wives spotted a familiar mole on his bottom.

Ps
Roll on Christmas. Adeste fidelis.
peter
gregparnell
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Re: Coro

Post by gregparnell »

😂
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Mark Shears
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Re: Coro

Post by Mark Shears »

Dear Peter,

I absolutely agree with Gregs emoji - if only I knew how to make one...!

I do hope you are going to have a word with young Hislop in his shell like?

Your brilliant ramblings are just made for his weekly rag...

Yours aye,

Mark
gregparnell
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Re: Coro

Post by gregparnell »

Mark - when you type your reply you will see at the bottom left hand corner of your electronic keyboard a smiley face - click on it and you will enter the list of emojis. Just click on the one you choose and hey presto it will appear in your post where ever you left your cursor.
Have fun 🏎
Greg
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Bob Bull
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Re: Coro

Post by Bob Bull »

:lol:

Mine are on the right hand side, so there! :lol:
Ace Photograp…… you know!
Regards
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

In an announcement in the Radio Times, the BBC, ever a beacon of rectitude, has resurrected guidelines from the Reith era regarding the correct pronunciation and usage on the airwaves of appropriate language in reporting and describing news and events. This covers Idolatry, non English stemmed words and phrases, oblique references, complex sentence constructions, facial expressions, flash photography, harrowing visual clips or reports, references to ethnic minorities, disparaging remarks about the royal family, First Lord of the Treasury and the Empire, the use of Americanisms, jargon etc. This is in direct response from several aggrieved viewers and a listener from Eastbourne.

Certain phrases may, on occasions be sanctioned I.e. used in proper context (see list) including" Schadenfreude, déjà vu, ne plus rien, and che ha fatto uscire I cani'. A spokesperson emphasised that this was not a regressive move and had been introduced on the pretext of not expressly causing offence. There is no intention to revert to the Reith practice whereby newsreaders on the wireless wear black tie.

The veneer of humour has been stripped bare. Do they think this will capture the spirit of the Age?

By the way, plagiarism is heretofore referred to as “research”.

If this new policy is upsetting I suggest you switch off now and have a cup of cocoa.

Does this mean Bojo should excise “veni vidi vinci” from his speech as he descends the steps from the plane returning him from Brussels waving a piece of paper?

Why is there such disquiet over the vaccine? Why do you tarry? Go to it! If you deny it, you see no horizon, no dawn. What then? Will the Divinities unleash the furies?

The General Synod of the Church of England and the Synod of Bishops in the Catholic Church, Non Conformists, Evangelicals and Christian Scientists
are greatly concerned that possible side effects of the vaccine may include quirks of the nervous system, fevered imaginations, blurring the boundaries of the conscious and unconscious mind, illusions, psychometric disorders, spectral appearances, or messages from a higher plane.

Alarm in Westminster. A leading SpAd to the Minister has resigned forthwith (or pushed?). Apparently his CV did not truly reflect his qualifications nor his experience. Someone checked his entry on Wikipedia. Quelle surprise. He did not go to Eton. He did his VSO in Provence, not Peru. He is not a graduate cum laude of Oxford. He never flew Vulcans in Afghanistan, he was not ever an advisor to the WHO or The World bank. He is a multiple bankrupt and has served several prison sentences for fraud. Alas, with the demise of Who's Who?, the Army list and Bradshaw’ s (essential reference points for those super sleuths, Miss Marple, Poirot, Japp, Maigret etc) who or what can be believed about anybody or anything? Apparently you can post and edit entries on Wikipedia. His parting words were that he was ever loyal and true.

The Minister claimed he couldn’t find Ashgabat on his globe (a copy of a pair of Dutch library globes by Willem Janszoon Blaeuclaime).

Some things never change. In transit to Abu Dhabi the Minister was discovered by his entourage in the sauna of his hotel with a naked lady who had all the attributes of a Venus de Milo, and more (arms?). Of many one could say it was a waste of an inestimable gift. Not in his case, he has few redeemable features. Yet he survives. Ineptitude triumphs. He left an indelible mark on his previous department.

The Editor of the Westminster bugle has dispatched the journalist to interview the kennel maid and estranged wives of the Minister.

The Diversity, BLGT leader of the South London University’s students Union, is calling for a boycott of the MCC. Marylebone Cricket Club have rebutted unfounded allegations and insisted that women were ever an integral part of this great Institution, Who do you think makes and serves the teas?

The Government is clamping down on those illegal PPE face masks. One batch was advertised with a hole in the front convenient for recidivist smokers.

Very very, Ver hush hush but there is talk of a putsch. The se sort of rumours won’t go away.

UKIP suggest bricking up the channel tunnel. It will protect us from the Froggie virus sand asylum seekers.

ps
Further concessions, penny farthings exempt from road tax. However users must wear a helmet.

Pps
An elderly (over 80) wife rang her husband about a news report of a car driving the wrong way down the M!. He replied just one? There’s blumin hundreds.
peter
gregparnell
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Re: Coro

Post by gregparnell »

Yet another literary masterpiece Peter - you are wasted on this forum. Hire me as your manager ( 25% of everything) I'll seek to get you a position on a quality rag - Rod Liddle watch out. By the way I notice your post is timed at 3.0am ! Still living the rock'n'roll lifestyle ?
gregparnell
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Re: Coro

Post by gregparnell »

Correction 2.00am - still impressive😎
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

Le droit. Fishing rights. Les français ne peuvent pas le comprendre.
The French are rarely speechless, but now, maintenant, Les Rosbifs zut alors! Pauvre Emmanuel. To him it’s so simple. The English have only one recipe and predilection for Fish i.e. Fish and Chips (and its not even tempura batter!). They drown it with le vinaigrette and salt and wrap it in old newspapers! (you couldn’t invent this). Emmanuel says we have spoken with Captain Haddock and he say “let zem av it”. “Give zem de cod”. The French should continue to fish what and where they have traditionally fished, Turbot, Halibut, Sea bass, Dover sole, langoustine etc. If this is 70% of the catch so be it (ainsi soit-il) and it must continue so.(ça doit continuer ainsi). For ever and ever.

This Minister says this is a load of “morue”, (codswallop). Prenez garde! We have learnt many lessons from the cod peace with Iceland.

No he is not in Abu Dhabi as there were passport problems. Too many Israeli stamps? The FO say that if travelling to Arab countries use 2 passports.

He must have a new mistress. She might even be French. He appeared in Whitehall with a copy of canard enchaîné, in a pressed suit, matching tie and kerchief and a small aromatic rose in a buttonhole tussi mussi, but odd socks. He disappeared for a 2 hour lunch break al la Chirac.

He had heard rumours of a revolt or even a Putsch and so he wants to keep centre stage. He is confident his record will place him in good stead. The question is can he keep his trousers zipped

He is mindful of the need of not to be seen to favour the wrong side. His problem is who is the kingmaker and what are the issues but also who is on which side? Time to refine his centrist views.

First the vaccine. Clearly it will work or it won’t. Forget the oldies and wrinklies. Why is that millions of economically active people (almost all under 65) are losing their jobs or seeing their businesses destroyed when the virus presents limited risk for them?

Secondly, with only a few days left scramble the RAF and send them off forthwith to Germany for vaccine. The Germans didn’t give us much notice either the last time.

Thirdly, abandon lockdown restrictions every where. If the silly buggers want to get the virus let them. Freedom of choice and Consenting Adults There will be calls for restrictions on alcohol and tobacco next.

Brexit. Stuff em. Sovereignty Rules OK! (or KO if you are dyslexic). See the photo of post dinner prandials by Boris and Ursula reference below..

We are a a proud Island nation. Remember this?

That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made, ..
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;..
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say "To-morrow is Brexit."...
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon
this Brexit day.

That poet knew how to scrabble together few words.

See the photo of post dinner prandials by Boris and Ursula reference below..

ps
When does the Norwegian Christmas Tree arrive?
pps
Greg,
Eric Hall, who always took a healthy slice of the monster deals he negotiated. was asked if it was true that he took 20 per cent of his client’s earnings. “No,” said Hall. “They take 80 per cent of mine.”

photo of
Luca Acri and Isabella Gasparini star in Peter Wright’s restaging of The Nutcracker at the Royal Opera HouseLuca Acri and Isabella Gasparini star in Peter Wright’s restaging of The Nutcracker at the Royal Opera HouseLuca Acri and Isabella Gasparini star in Peter Wright’s restaging of The Nutcracker at the Royal Opera House
peter
gregparnell
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Re: Coro

Post by gregparnell »

Eric went cheap - I'm asking for 25% !
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TonyLees
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Re: Coro

Post by TonyLees »

gregparnell wrote: Fri Dec 11, 2020 8:59 pm Correction 2.00am - still impressive😎
What planet/timezone is Peter on/in? :)
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Mary Lindsay
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Re: Coro

Post by Mary Lindsay »

Magrathea of course.
Slartibartfast came from there too..
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The journalist returned from his visit to the Hunt kennel maid with ears of straw in his hair and a glazed look in his eyes. He found a young maiden wearing nothing but a soulful expression. He has to return as he has left his notebook somewhere in the barn!

On his walk along Victoria street to Parliament Square he was getting severely short of breath and decided to stop for a fag. As a consequence he missed the Ministers cavalcade barreling along in the opposite direction.

“Crisis” in Chelsea, with all the potential to be a catastrophe. The Party Chief Whip is alerted that the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA) has summoned the Minister. It establishes and monitors the expenses scheme for MPs and s responsible for paying their salaries and expenses.

Panic sets in. He protests vehemently to the Party Chairman about accusation and arraignment with scant regard to reason or logic. He is told he is not on trial, yet.

He escaped the last debacle on expenses and ensuing press brouhaha (remember the duck house?) largely he believes because they accepted his explanation of confusing the shredder with the copier. In reality it was because he was bonking the young assistant in IPSA who inadvertently omitted his name from the list of shame. She has now left but he is still paying paternity maintenance.

He racks his brains. What could it be? Second residence allowances, tax evasion, over.claiming on food, exploiting the no receipt rule, selling Parliament passes, salaries to relatives or friends as research assistants (there did seem to be a stream of impressionable young ladies). or travel expenses from the Highlands to his constituency and Westminster? It could be any one of these, and is probably all of them. He thinks if he can pay back any sums due i.e without expressly admitting malfeasance and with the Whip’s help there might be a chance to sweep it under the carpet.

He asks an aide to remind him to phone his brother at Coutts and check his chances of a substantial loan. People don’t realise how close to the bone some have to live. Just because he has an estate in Scotland, a town house in Chelsea, a mews house in his constituency, a chalet in Courchevel, and a small chateau in he Loire Valle doesn’t mean he leads an opulent lifestyle. There are the the exorbitant alimony payments to his estranged wives, multiple paternity suits (some still contested), outstanding inheritance tax dues, school fees, race horses, his collection of rare voitures, etc etc.The upkeep alone is staggering. Not forgetting a ginormous legal fees for that unfortunate incident. His salary as a Minister is a pittance, more so when compared to what those City Jackals and Insurance Brokers rake in.

From bad to worse. An altercation with the Speaker of the House. He strenuously denies abusive language in an heated debate in the chamber but insists he may have shouted “scallops” at the opposition, not Bollocks as claimed. Unfortunately the subject wasn’t Fishing, When the new Commons Chamber opened in 1950 it included microphones for the first time. It took another 38 years for the Speaker's cry of "Order! Order!" to be heard on the airwaves.

The Speaker also reminded the Minister that Germany is a valued member of Nato. His previous reference to “The Germans didn’t give us much notice either the last time” might be misinterpreted to refer to 1939. The Minister sorely wanted to confirm that was what he meant and furthermore add that the Wehrmacht only works Monday to Friday, the Bundesmarine hadn’t got over the Tirpitz, and Stukas sounded great in newsreels but were ineffective, and so on, but a restraining arm made him check. It was cod liver oil time.

Instead he launches an attack on The European Union. He started well, highlighting its bureaucracy, corruption, inflexibility, extravagance, and Political dogma, but got ahead of himself and imploded. His proposals outlining reform, as Hansard reports, had the great virtue of being unintelligible.

The Minister quizzes his Department on significant breakthroughs, major advances, anything he could trumpet to the Media and increase his standing. That Insufferable junior Minister proudly announced that the Departmental Helpline on the website has been upgraded from “Broken” to “Not Working”.

Later accompanying his brother to a reception at the Chinese Embassy in the Alvis (they don t make them like this any more, and you can se why)t he learns that a loan is out of the question.

She is definitely French. Strangely the Minister always returns from his Chirac luncheon break invigorated but hungry.

To be continued.
Yes Folks there’s more. If you no longer wish to rejoice in these exhilarating but factual reports, retune again in March 2021.
Ps
At the south pole you can walk around the earth in less than 8 seconds.
peter
peter rafter
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Re: Coro

Post by peter rafter »

The Palace of Westminster, the Members' Dining Room. Under the EGB (Extra Government Bubble) the Minister is entertaining guests, aka potential donors, a Russian Oligarch, a Middle Eastern Sheik (who is not in ceremonial robes à la Lawrence), an Italian “businessman” from Sicily, an ex Minster from a Central African Republic, and the Head of a Chaebol, an Asian Conglomerate where Board meetings are traditionally perfunctory affairs and rubber stamp mechanisms. A Whip glides silently by and taps the Minister on the shoulder. You do realise minister they will expect something in return?

Luncheon is sadly not to the standard of his club or chequers. A wall mounted television which was originally installed so that absent members could monitor proceedings in the Chamber, is however somehow screening an irritatingly pretentious Academic rattling on in that careful rehearsed demeaning sotto voce delivery “In many parts of the world the women undertake hard manual labour while the menfolk laze around, drink and smoke, gamble, play cards, fornicate, etc.” The Russian, who is not noted for his waspish humour, asks if this is not also so in the North of England? The Minister could not resist a nod of the head and a wry smile.

The Minister is bemoaning the intense scrutiny in the media of MP’s personal lives. It’s bad enough in in the House from those deranged hysterical malevolent harpies on the Opposition benches. He blames that Plankton woman and universal suffrage. Someone is feeding the media with all manner of calumnies and defamatory allegations. The media is a multi headed Hydra. No sooner you chop off one head another springs up. The Russian sympathises and adds that “we Russians know how to deal with opponents”. Knowing nods from from the Sicilian.

In a cautious tone the Minister explains that the decline in Philanthropy is plainly linked to the increased burdensome restrictions under the money laundering regulations. However, there are ways and means around these which he might be persuaded to expound on if a suitable arrangement could be found. Coffee?

Later a statement by a hapless Government spokesperson on the Virus. "Initial analysis suggests that this variant is growing faster than the existing variants."He went on: "I must stress at this point that there is currently nothing to suggest that this variant is more likely to cause serious disease.” And the latest clinical advice is that it is highly unlikely that this mutation would fail to respond to the vaccine."But it shows we've got to be vigilant and follow the rules and everyone needs to take personal responsibility not to spread this virus.”

For heavens sake if “ there is currently nothing to suggest that this variant is more likely to cause serious disease” why the knee-jerk.? The Minister thinks they have lost the plot. Something the Country realised in March.
peter
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