2009 Panto - Jack and the Bobstalk

[Mary Lindsay]

...just then the sounds of a German drinking song could be heard and the cheery Ullage Beerhaus appeared quaffing ale from a stein.
"Guten Morgan" he cried jovially, "Vot is der problem mein friend?"

"I dunno where to start," Jack cried despondently, "I need a golden harp, but I've forgotten why"

"We have all forgotten why!" the audience shouted.

"But where is this harp?" asked Ullage, tiring of a stereotypical German accent and opting instead for received pronunciation.

"It's behind you!" yelled the audience losing patience with the dimwitted cast.

At that moment....

[jack bellinger]

Ullage Beerhadtomany started plucking the golden Harp " EADILWEISE..EADELVISE "(wrote it twice cos I cant spell it ) He started singing with Gay Abandment Slapping his Layderhousen Which livened up the Audience (oh yes it did )( i promise I wont mention the,,.%$£..
!*&
)(*&*&^
This is now being censored by SALLY.
When Jack wakes up I may let him continue but I promise he will have a Sore Head

[Bob Bull]

..........Bobthe Elf, was quite taken aback when he read that Mrs. Bellinger was now monitoring the post, having be fairly free with her reputation and character over the last few weeks. Would the legal beagle Wilyhams soon be sending notification of court action, claiming damages for any perceived wrong?

Never one to lack tact, charm and downright smarminess, he hastened to apologise and explain that it was all Merry Linseed's fault as she had led him on - shamelessly!

However, Thank Goodness Jack was saved from temptation by the intervention of Ullage Warehouse, who arrived in the nick of time despite the heavy snow that had caused chaos on the Autobahns of his own country.
Despite is undying gratitude to the Jolly Gerry, he did wish he would stop singing his beery version of 'edinavice as it reminded Jack of the grip that Sally put on him when she was displeased. Also, ownership of the Golden Harp had yet to be established. Jack was desperate to get his mitts on it to give to Mrs Bellinger for Christmas to prove that he still loved her (this bit is designed to make you go; Ah! How sweet.) and he recalled how one day some years ago Little Billy had asked him;

"Dad. Do you still love Mum as much as ever, does the fire still burn in your heart?"

"Well maybe not a fire, but there is still an EMBER SON! (BOOM, BOOM).

Meanwhile somewhere on a sunny foreign isle two forgotten pantomime characters disported themselves on golden beaches and in azure seas, well out of this long running farce.

Where are the Pirates?

[Mary Lindsay]

..."Pieces of eight, pieces of eight" cried the parrot on Long John Embrocation's shoulder.

"Don't keep harping on" complained the pirate.

Meanwhile, the harp, fed up with being constantly off stage fell on Jack's head, neatly slicing off both his ears in the process.

"Oh Gawd, now I really won't be able to hear what Sally is saying" said Jack.

At that moment Bob the Elf and Safety appeared with a clipboard.
"Now then," he said,taking out his biro, "It seems to me that this is a serious breach of regulation 43Z subsection 49.2." [-X

"Pardon?" said Jack "I can"t hear a word..."

[Tim Hill]

A slight diversion to another Theatre - The FleaPit Theatre, Barnet is staging the Panto "Cinderella and the magic Buss Pass".
We enter the action towards the end of the performance.......

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young cyclist.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. (Sounds familiar).

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms, his lycra shorts accentuating his physique. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you let that Vet Phip Goodenite cut my nuts off'


Curtains.........
Back to Jack and the Bobstalk.......

[jack bellinger]

TIM its probably all that Fosters... you will get better in time ..if you dont ,,, Speak to the Doc !! I am sure he will be able to give you somthing some where..

So elf an saftey looked on the floor ..and said " whats that doing left ear and pick it up and put it right ear ..(Tim thats what you call a Joke)

[Bob Bull]

("Would you like a drink,Vincent?" Pierre asked Van Gogh, "No thank's" He replied. "I've got one 'ere.") That's a joke!!!

Bob the 'Elf and Safety Commssioner for Ees Barmy village, got so excited when he heard what had happened to Jack, that his biro melted as he wrote down his agenda. Being an experienced E&S man he knew instantly where his priorities lay;

1) Identify how many people he could prosecute under the regulations.
2) Demand an Assistant Elf and Safety Inspector to assist with his increasing work load.
3) Indent for a much larger budget to aid in prosecuting more people.
4) Insist on more sweeping powers to improve Elf & Safety in the area.
5) Request additional funds to build a massive office block to cater for his increasing numbers of staff.
6) Put in expenses claims for the mortgage on his toadstool, and for a second mushroom he needed in Scotland and would be his main residence.

With the essentials dealt with he turned his attention to the matter at hand, and spoke to Jack.

"I shall require full details off..........."

"Sorry I can't 'ear, I've got no ears."

Quick as a flash Bob discerned the problem and handed Jack a written note.

"Sorry I can't read it! I can't keep me glasses on you see."

Not to be beaten Bob started to communicate with Jack in sign language, but when he asked was it TWO ears. Jack punched him on the nose with a cry of;

"Don't be so bladdy rood." And made a double digit gesture of his own. "Now So.........................!

Beaten, battered and with bruised ego the erstwhile Elf, sadly made his way to Cinderella section, and cried; "NUTS to you too Tim."

[Leigh Sebba]

Hello Children. I haven’t kept up with the panto as I have been studying literary matters on pantomime history.

While browsing through a recent book called ‘Morgan 100 Years’ I found on Page 86 a photo of the ideal ‘Principal Boy’ (as I think leggy females in pantos are called). She is posing almost in John Sheally pose atop a Morgan flat rad reg HG ….

I am not accomplished enough to post photos on this page but perhaps Ms Lindsay may wish to oblige ?

[Bob Bull]

Well

photo of the ideal ‘Principal Boy’ (as I think leggy females in pantos are called). She is posing almost in John Sheally pose atop a Morgan flat rad reg HG ….

Well done Leigh, that sounds much more like it, come on Mary get cracking. (PS. Most impressed you tracked me down. Many thanks for the card.)

Should Mary get all sexist and feel that such items are demeaning to women, e-mail it to me Leigh. I'm your typical male chauvanist.

[Bob Bull]

The lovely Sally Bellinger, devoted wife, and tender, caring mother was most concerned about Hubby Jack's condition, him being unable to hear was very inconvenient when she needed to shout at him, so off she went to St Max's National Elf Service Hospital. There she went straight to the Audiology Dept.
My Husband has trouble hearing,can you help?
Soon she was hurrying home with the latest technological marvel. A computerised, electrified, miniaturised bit of kit that was virtually undetectable in use.
She showed it to Jack, and started to read the instructions.
1) Connect battery into battery case.
2) Place battery case in to inside jacket pocket.
3) Connect wire to socket in the case.
4) Thread wire through sleeve and under collar.
5) Plug wire into the unit via mini jack plug.
6) Clip unit onto ea..................?

Oh Boggle!

[Mary Lindsay]

Glad you liked the card Bob, thanks for yours!

As for my appearance in the Morgan 100 years book, well I didn't think he'd use that photo, I just loaned it to him for a laugh....

As for the panto - we seem to be flagging, there isn't enough festive spirit out there you miserable lot. You are all a bit like Grumpy Old Morgan Men.

[Mary Lindsay]

If we are to achieve over 200 posts we need to motor on a bit so I think we need staccato and brief contributions.

[Mary Lindsay]

Jack, still wrestling with the technicalities of his new hearing aid, was confronted by an old woman.

" Allo old hag," he said, 'I spose you're the old woman I find driving in the outside lane of every motorway and dual carriageway I ever have the misfortune to use..." [-X

[Mary Lindsay]

"Wot's it to yer?" she asked belligerently

"Pardon?" said Jack, still unable to work his hearing aid.

[Mary Lindsay]

Stepping towards him she raised her gnarled old fist and clouted him round the side of the head whereupon a new ear miraculously grew.
"Blimey, " said Jack "Do that one the other side would ya?"