Treasure Island Alternative Version.

[Robin Singleton]

Bob

That's not a cow.....it's a large Dalmation!

Robin Singleton

[Robin Singleton]

Or Dalmatian?

[Mary Lindsay]

Robin, I am not sure how much you know about dogs but I cannot help feeling that you might be mistaken.....

[Bob Bull]

Domnation, this panto has gone to the dogs!

Robin,
Did you used to drink at the Spotted Cow?

Oh! By the way the pirates have now reached Treasure Island, and are running out of milk for their morning cuppa so will be looking for a cow to provide a pinta or two, but who has the neccessary skills in udder manipulation? Can Pugface Mary or Cackhanded Jack grabble with the problem, or new recruit Rockin' Robin save the day?

One thing is certain Cap'n Bob ain't going nowhere near it!!!

[Robin Singleton]

Bob

No, I used to drink at the Spotted Dog, but I now go to the White Lion!

Robin

[Bob Bull]

SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said:
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them dropped bird lime in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird lime."
"It was my first day with the hook."

[Bob Bull]

Faced with a dearth of correspondents, the Producer was faced with financial ruin and made a vain attempt to awaken the literary talents of the 'Lesser Talented Morgan Bird', by a combination of encouragement and a little humour .................:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this
morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and
hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle
of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke
an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese
sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody
luvum.!! Xxx

[Mary Lindsay]

Poor Pirate Bob, having finished the last of the rum and everything in the ship's sick bay including several bandages and an eye patch, felt in need of some fresh air. He staggered above decks and hailed Jolly Jack Bellringer - "Ahaar me hearty" he roared "I'm gonna find that treshur afore that Stephen Hawkings fella"

"But", said Jolly Jack "Stephen Hawking is a famous international physicist, has been appointed to the post of distinguished research chair at a quantum theory and cosmology institute ...."

"Don't try and fool me with all that high falutin' rubbish" slurred Pirate Bob, "I'm going for a swhim" and with that he plunged over the side into plankton infested waters.

[jack bellinger]

Only to find ..The ship had run aground !!... Luckily for everyone he only landed on his Head..

With head and shoulders buried in the sand (as usual) Stuck upside down in the sand he looked like a Big eared Bunny rabbit with a small nose

The question is ....... do we leave him there ???????

[Bob Bull]

Agh!, Ooh!, Splut...****!"*$^%£*, Glug, spit...spit ...hellllppppppp.

[jack bellinger]

Lost for words ....Eh Bob

[Mary Lindsay]

Having been at sea for some weeks the ship's company decided that a spot of laundry was in order so they all set about washing their various smalls, larges etc. and then found that the upended Pirate Bob was a perfect clothes drying rack and festooned him with their damp laundry.
Meanwhile Jolly Jack, Merry Mary, Boisterous Barry and Twinkling Tim set off to explore the island in search of the treasure that everyone else seemed to have forgotten. They took with them a bucket and spade for a spot of sandcastle building in case there was a prize for that.

[Bob Bull]

Once the cackling mob had moved orf, Bob drew out his trusty Swiss Army knife and deploying the entrenching tool swiftly dug himself out of the sand, and then, using the extending ladder climbed out of the hole he had dug for himself. He then cleared the sand from himself using a pair of Mary's "old verbotens"
(Goon Show reference here).
Disposing of the ragged racesuits with which he been adorned, the resourceful reporter switched on the knive's built in GPS and accurately pinpointed the location of the hidden treasure, before unfolding the bicycle element and riding strongly through the dense jungle that grew beside the arterial road (GSR).
Once upon the scene of the buried trove he located the sunken chest with the metal detector included in the Swiss Army's specification. Folding out the power digger Bob soon had the pirate's booty tucked inside his musette (Bonk Bag in cycling parlance) and was on his way back to the ship before the Jolly, Merry, Boisterous, Twinkling pirate crew knew what was happening.

Leaving the hapless buccaneers stranded on the Bikini Attol, Bob rowed swiftly for the mainland and a gathering of Captain Morgan's cut throats at an Oxfordshire tavern where .............................................

[Mary Lindsay]

Unhappily a cruel trick had been played on poor Pirate Bob. He had ruined his Swiss Army for for nothing. The treasure he had discovered was only a fake decoy put there by the cunning Captain Skinflint.

To make matters worse, the gathering at the Oxfordshire tavern had been cancelled because of inclement weather and had been rearranged for the summer months. So poor Bob had to get back on his bike and hope that the rest of the pantomime had not finished without him.

Meanwhile Jolly Jack, Merry Mary, Boisterous Barry and Twinkling Tim continued in their quest for the treasure. Merry Mary, ahead of the gang (for a refreshing change) suddenly exclaimed "Hey Chaps, look at this!" She had stumbled upon a beautiful racetrack gleaming in the jungle. The team quickly fashioned themselves a race car out of wood and string (made from sisal leaves). "Wow"said Twinkling Tim, "that looks like a 2CV, shall we see if we can find the treasure". Meanwhile Boisterous Barry had felled an ash tree and had set about making a traditional Morgan (you know, the one with the wooden chassis). "Now we have two cars and can have a proper race" he said.

But lurking in the forest several pairs of envious eyes were watching........

[TonyLees]

I'm very envious. a 2CV passed me yesterday - going at 80MPH!......






...on a trailer.