New Members - Do's and Don'ts

[Bob Bull]

It strikes me that for new members to the forum there are many snares and pitfalls lurking here for the unwary, as I found out to my cost when I first ventured to contribute my wisdom and knowledge to the site.

I have prepared a list of some Do's and Don'ts hopefully to assist newcomers in avoiding the more perplexing areas of BHP.


1) Never laud the virtues of any other marque on this forum, stick to Morgans. This way you will not cause distress to the older members. (no names will be mentioned here.)

2) Avoid disagreeing with, scoffing at, abusing, belittling, insulting, sneering at or contradicting either Mary or Jack. Retaliation and retribution will follow swiftly. They are two very hard men.

3) If in need of a recipe for fairy cakes or similar culinary delights contact Kate, Mary O or Katy, if, however, you want to brew-up a batch of paella - Andy Green is the go-to person. Never ask Mary Lindsay as her grasp of cooking is limited to eating sandwiches.

4) Take alook at my Morgan skydrive site (link provided below) and bone up on SLR's lest one upsets Keith, John or Simon by asking; "What is it mister?"

5) When mentioning any form of balloon, airship, inflatable, zeppelin or dirigible be careful not to Mark cause to take umbrage by any derogatory remarks.

6) Dogs! Caution should be exercised when broaching the subject of 'man's best friend', as Phillip is rather fond of the creatures, as is Tim Ayres.

7) NEVER bother trying to read any post from Tony Lees, they are either long dissertations on some obscure technical treatise, understood only by those with a BSC from Rangoon University, or so terse and cryptic as to defaet even the most ardent fan of crosswords.

8) Leigh Sebba is best taken with a degree of scepticism, one can never be sure if he was completely compos mentis when he penned his contribution. The chance of any item he post's being relevant is about 50/50.

9) Always address Andy Downes as 'Skipper'. I makes him feel important.

10) Should you come across a derelict Morgan suffering from woodrot and in need of restoration, immediately advise the Singleton twins.

11) Watch out for Jim Mountain he will almost certainly try and sell you some old tat from his garage. He has a large stock of useless items to unload on the unwary.

12) John Bevan beleives he has a sense of humour despite much evidence to the contrary, but please humour him, he is a little unstable, and we would not wish him to be put onto tablets just yet.

13) Our Australian domiciled member, Tim Hill, might comment on your posts. Do not get angry - it's the sheep!

14) If when attempting to first join BHP you will have already found that dealing with Chris Acklam can be tedious, but to be fair he is a wizard on technical matters.

15) Finally - a word of warning. Do not advertise items of sporting equipment on the Sales and Wanted Section, it is inhabited by phillistines, who do not appreciate a bargain when they see it.

By keeping these strictures close any rookie should be able to have a long and happy sojourn on brakehorsepower, and avoid the opprobrium that has come my way since trying to raise the standard of discourse here.

Happy horsing.

R F Bull.

[Robin Singleton]

Bob

Re your advice (para 10), what's all this about twins.
Please note that I am the older (and wiser?) of the two of us.
Otherwise I agree...we always like to know of basket cases.

Best wishes

Robin

PS Did I hear that we are excused the Christmas panto this year?

[Bob Bull]

Bob

Re your advice (para 10), what's all this about twins.
Please note that I am the older (and wiser?) of the two of us.
Otherwise I agree...we always like to know of basket cases.

Best wishes

Robin

PS Did I hear that we are excused the Christmas panto this year?

I knew that Robin, but felt that the 'Singleton Twins' had a ring about it, as to Panto duty NOBODY is excused it is just that most are either too lazy, lacking in inspiration, consider it all nonsense busy fettling basket cases or (if not all of these) totally unaware of the venture in the first place.

Bets are now being taken as to who will first suggest a title for this years effort. I wonder if anyone had money on you?

'av you got a loit buio?

Kind regards to you both,

Bob.

[Mary Lindsay]

2) Avoid disagreeing with, scoffing at, abusing, belittling, insulting, sneering at or contradicting either Mary or Jack. Retaliation and retribution will follow swiftly. They are two very hard men.

You have a problem here Bob as you have ignored your own advice in number 3 (below)

3) If in need of a recipe for fairy cakes or similar culinary delights contact Kate, Mary O or Katy, if, however, you want to brew-up a batch of paella - Andy Green is the go-to person. Never ask Mary Lindsay as her grasp of cooking is limited to eating sandwiches.

Bob, who is Mari O? It sounds like he would be better at paella (no disrespect to Andy G).
I am puzzled by your comment about me and sandwiches, when did you see me eating a sandwich?
Would you care to eat your words? This, according to you, would be preferable to sampling my cooking...

6) Dogs! Caution should be exercised when broaching the subject of 'man's best friend', as Phillip is rather fond of the creatures, as is Tim Ayres.

Jack and I are also fans of the canine species so your advice is timely.

Apart from those minor points Bob, I will let the matter pass... for now [-X

[Bob Bull]

Mary,
It is obvious that anyone reading my post would assume that I was either biased or exaggerating, so I cunningly inserted certain references to you that would emphasise my point. You rose to the bait beautifully, so now you should be free of the need to chastise new members who may otherwise have 'put their foot in it'.

I admit I have never witnessed you actually eating a sandwich, on the other hand neither have I ever sampled any examples ofyour prowess in the kitchen, whereas I have certainly partaken of other Morgan ladies comestibles. Maybe I have formed the wrong impression of you?

I'm free over Christmas!!

Love,

Bob.

[john bevan]

Would it be wrong of me to suggest the pantomime might be called "Jack and the ladies' comestibles?"

There once was a lad called Jack who was sent off by his wise friend Mary to sell her 4/4. Unfortunately ........

etc. continued on page 94

PS Bob- the tablets appear to be not working, or maybe I should up the dose?

[Bob Bull]

John,
If that post was supposed to be humourous, I think you have just proved my point!

My friend tried taking a tablet yesterday, the dashed Kindle choked him.

Being somewhat further west than Bedfordshire, I am wondering if your Morgan floats?

Cheers,

Bob.

PS; I think we have had enough pantomimes featuring 'Jack', to last a lifetime, how about one that features 'Tiny Tim The Bevin Boy', all about coal mining.

[Leigh Sebba]

Excellent guide Bob although you have omitted the most important item – any guidance on how to treat a posting from Bob Bull

Do we think West Brom will now start dropping down the league ?

I put in the second sentence as I will now follow your guidance carefully and I note that with regard to my postings -

‘The chance of any item he post's being relevant is about 50/50.’

So hopefully one sentence is relevant and the other not

(BTW as a journalist you will be chased by the apostrophe police)

[Andy Green]

Will Ipswich be relegated?

[jack bellinger]

Leigh.... Your about half right !!


jack

[Bob Bull]

It is pleasing to note that so far none of the newer members of BHP have been chastised on the forum, which must prove how timely and useful my strictures were, I would add a couple more to reinforce the message.

a) Never allow your wife, daughter, mother,mistress or any person of delicate sensibilities to EVER read any post by Peter Rafter.

b) Study the use of the 'apostrophe' and be very careful to abide by the rules of grammar, any incorrect use will inevitably be exposed by some of the PC brigade present in the membership.

c) Try to avoid pedantry when replying to my posts, it is far too prevelant as it is.

d) Avoid upsetting the ladies of the forum by the use of smut, coarse language, salacious innuendo, or un-seemly jokes.

By following these guidlines you should have along and happy sojourn on BHP.

[peter rafter]

I must inform you all that the procrastination meeting has been postponed....

[Peter Taylor]

brakehorsepower.net

for Morgans & sports cars in competition

[Bob Bull]

I must inform you all that the procrastination meeting has been postponed....

Well, you were warned, ladies

brakehorsepower.net

for Morgans & sports cars in competition

Pete, for goodness sake do not take that too seriously as Morgan drivers consider there is no other sport's car in competition. That is only put in to avoid discrimination accusations. Elans definitely are not acceptable. I fear that some of your photo's with 'other marques' showing is considered borderline at best.

As a friend I am trying to help you here.