2008 PANTO SNOW WHITE

[Philip Tisdall]

No not yet, we still have to sing "the Song" with the right side of the theatre competing against the left side to see who can make the most noise. (or should it be Class C against Class D). Then intermission for ice cream for the adults and a bottle of Malt ( Had to get that in) for the children. anyway thats the way it is in my house hold.

[Mary Lindsay]

Where ??

There!

[jack bellinger]

YES OK OK....I,ll say it .."He,s behind You" .....That hurt I.d rather the poison Apple

jack

[jack bellinger]

Ps
they do look good and please the eye,
why would you want to modify..??

jack

[Chris Acklam]

This suggests a new Christmas song... (with apologies to Creedence Clearwater Revival, Tina Turner, etc)

I left a good job in the city
Working for the man every night and day
And I never lost one minute of sleeping
Worrying bout the way things might have been

Big wheels keep on burning
Wide Mary keep on turning
And we're racing, racing
Racing on the tarmac

Sold a lot of brakes in New Cross
Flogged a lot of shocks down in SE9
But I never saw the good side of the Morgan
Till I tried to catch that red moss box queen

Big wheels keep on burning
Wide Mary keep on turning
And we're fixing, fixing
Fixing in the paddock

If you come down to the paddock
I bet you gonna find some people who live
You don't have to worry if you got no money
People in the paddock are happy to give

[Bob Bull]

One HATES to be critical (yeah, yeah!), but why do you keep wandering away from the traditional Christmas Panto scene and getting innocent children (Tisdalls) confused by constant reference to technical Morgan jargon?

Despite the best efforts of yours truly, the plot is well lost by the highly personal interjections of race track rivals, using Mr Green's production as a cover for sniping at each other.
There is only one answer to the problem that I can see, and it is, admittedly dramatic in it's scope.

ANDY HAS TO GO WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT, AND REPLACED BY PHILLIP TISDALL.

Even a glance at this impresario's posts will demonstrate that he has a detailed knowledge of Pantomine in it's various guises, and a firm grasp on the essentials of comedy. Only he has demonstrated any expertise in the story lines of the classic Pantos. Clearly he is an afficionado of the genre.

Let's give him a chance to see what he can do and try to get us to page ten without libel action from injured parties.

"Meanwhile half way up the beanstalk ...........

[jack bellinger]

Bob dont go all bitter .n. twisted ..just cos your only claim to fame was in the Battersea Barrow Boys Christmas Panto Talking Role as The Back End of " Muffin The Mule" (Phil G.will probably have a vetinary name for that) Shouting "Where,s DOBIN.?


jack."

[Bob Bull]

Jack!
I'm shocked .....muffin the mule surely rates as bestiality, and being at the hind end I would not be overly keen on such a practice!!

But .... back to the Panto;

Act four scene 5;

Jack the elf, Essex Mary and Smirky were stranded on a desert island for many years, one day Mary found a strange bottle buried in the sand. Being the womanly type she carefully gave it a polish on her sarong. Whoosh! To her suprise out popped a huge Genie. " I have been imprisoned in that bottle for five hundred years" he declared, "As a reward for freeing me from the magic spell I can grant you three wishes, you may make one wish each"

Instantly Jack spoke up. " I wish I was back in Chelsea in my little shop selling spares to passing motorists" A puff of smoke and he was gone!

Mary then made her wish. " I wish I was back at Brands Hatch racing my little red Morgan and beating Jack Bellinger" In an instant she had disappeared.

The Genie turned to Smirky. " And what can I do for you?"

" It will be terribly lonely without them" he said, "I wish they hadn't gone .........."

[Mary Lindsay]

" It will be terribly lonely without them" he said, "I wish they hadn't gone .........."

"That is an invalid wish" said the Genie sternly, it is not on my list of EU approved wishes and probably contravenes some health and safety regulations."
"you can either go and buy spares from Jack and race Mary at Brands Hatch or you must stay here on your own."

[philip goddard]

'ok', said Tracy Gatesopen, while applying her lipstick, 'your wish was revoked via EU directive xyz, so it's my turn. I'd like some talent around here, some.....'
Peter Sir Gent started to appear
'...some fit, young talent.'
Peter disappeared to be replaced by his son Will Sir Gent, fresh from his mission to climb a tower with a ladder made of hair.

[Tim Hill]

Meanwhile – out at sea, another Panto is taking place. The Pirates (Speedmoggers) have been spotted and they are preparing to invade the Brakehorsepower Snow White Panto with somthing a bit more politically correct !


SEA LORD UNSTONE: Order the signal, Rafter.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Aye, aye Sir
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Sorry Sir?
SEA LORD UNSTONE: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What gobbledygook is this?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist. Even Tisdalls Treats, the flapjack importers have been repremanded for improper use of an AGA.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Gadzooks, Rafter, Hand me Captain Housleys pipe and tobacco.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments. Squeaky Bailey has polished the decks and Skipper Baines has got the Aircon working at last.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: In that case, break open the rations in Cider Dave’s locker. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: The cider ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Good heavens, Rafter. I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead!
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's-nest please.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: That won't be possible, Sir.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: What?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Health and Safety have closed the crow's-nest, Sir. No harness, and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. It's all too "Dangerous". They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. Stormin' Normans working on it right now...
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, -whats his name, um Toony.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’sc’le, Sir.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of Sea Lord by playing the disability card.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
SEA LORD UNSTONE: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: What? This is mutiny!
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board - Michelle and Lizzy Stephens, they is watching everyone like hawks.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Actually, Sir, we're not.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: We're not?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator, ole Leggy Lomas hear you saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary
SEA LORD UNSTONE: We must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our King.
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to cider, sodomy and the lash?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: As I explained, Sir, cider is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: What about sodomy?
ABLE SEAMAN RAFTER: Er, I believe that's now legal, Sir.
SEA LORD UNSTONE: In that case ... Kiss me, Rafter.



How many more pages have we left to fill?

[Bob Bull]

SEA LORD UNSTONE: In that case ... Kiss me, Rafter

A huge burst of applause erupted from the audience, followed by three rousing cheers. Bravo Tom Hall. Quite brilliant!

[Mary Lindsay]

Meanwhile, back in the forest, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were preparing for the festive season and singing a familiar (?) carol (with apologies to the Holly and the Ivy)

The Morgan in the paddock,
When it is well prepared
Of all the cars that are at the race
The Morgan makes them scared
O the revving of the engine
And the grating of the gears
The spinning of the pricey tyres
Is music to the ears

"So," said Snow White " Which of our stable of Morgans do you each plan to race next year?"
Doc said "I'm going to race the Roadster this year, those Class D gremlins are too much trouble by half."
Sneezy Simon said "I prefer my SLR (so long roadster)."
Bashful Bellringer said "My rolling Moss hasn't gathered enough stones yet so I will drive that again."
Sleepy Tim said " I must try to stay awake long enough to win Class C in my Plus 8."
Happy Lee said " I am just so spoilt for choice, I can't really slum it with that Challenge lot again."
Dopey young Bellringer said " I just pretend to be dopey so that I can beat my boastful daddy and I will drive whichever of his cars are not broken." "You'll be lucky to find one!" Snow White replied.
Grumpy Mary from Essex said " I will drive my trusty Moss box again, everyone knows that it is the widest Plus 8 in the world and I can't spoil their fun trying to get past."

[Bob Bull]

Oh! Dear ...another change of panto I fear!

We find Jack and Mary with gear by Moss Bros so one must suppose they are going to a Ball, hence we find ourselves in Cinderella.

Handsome Prince Jack has his lustful eye on Linderalla and wonders if the abandoned brake shoe, found in a deserted paddock at Russell Brands Patch, will fit her dainty plates of meat, but first he must get past the Three Ugly Sisters and they all drive very wide V8's and his pumpkin lacks the horses for the job.
The Ugly Sisters are hefty items and he wonders if a friendly Vet might slip him a few Equine knock-out drops for a modest sum paving the way for a move down the inside of the Bulldog like Linderella.
A trip to the wilds of Hertfordshire is called for and the home of Britain's most famous racing driver!!! Maps are consulted and sat navs programmed. Swiftly a route is planned, but TWO RED PUMPKINS in Stevenage might attract unwelcome attention from the local Fuzz!
What to do?
It is Shear(s) bad luck that his car is red, he needs a Plant, some anonymous Clarke,still a bit Green. The problem is not a Hill it's a Mountain. He needs someone to Potter around to distract the law, to be a Thorne in their side until Sumner comes or Spring all arrives. He thinks a few chess moves might provide the answer;
Knight takes Bishop, while King slips sideways. Clever stuff! Meanwhile he can stop at McDonalds for a cuppa and study the Lees in the cup. Still there are many Rivers to cross before he gets to the Whiteside of the road and can shelter in the Lee of the Vierhaus.

This is more gan I can stand

Goodnight.

[jack bellinger]

Are you tryng to say...They All Lived Happy Ever After..??

jack